“Love says ‘I am everything.’ Wisdom says ‘I am nothing.’ Between the two, my life flows.”
―Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
As Charlotte Joko Beck explains in her book Ordinary Wonder, it was many years ago that I, without entirely understanding what was happening, pulled myself into a boat, but it had no oars or rudder. I would call it a lifeboat, as it saved me and does so every day, but that doesn’t feel quite right. This boat drifted from a raging “this is not the way” inferno consuming my unchosen shore. “I need to leave this behind,” I said. “I’ve known this but did not listen—there has to be more.” At the time my brain told me that reaching the next unknown and unseen shore would define success. As the years passed, however, the intentional drift of this boat, often involving vulnerable risk-taking, has encountered touch points of unplanned and unexpected connective waves of awe and wonder. This is it. I was home. Right here and here, now and now. There was no shore to reach—just a limitless space of not-knowing to get comfortable with. An intentional drift guided by waves of compassion and kindness, wisdom traditions and numerous guiding teachers. Miraculous. There is no going back, I’ve seen too much, this is it. Between these two … shores … I practice to let my life flow. And it is in this space I work to treasure it all—this moment—periodically seeing and sharing pieces and parts of a yet-to-be-defined true self. Just riding the waves.
And the stars align periodically to turn this boat. Rare in essence and common in situation are the glow from the sun that has just gone below the horizon, making it feel like I am walking with the trees, those of Tolkien or Ecuador, and not past them. We are one. When it’s so quiet that you can feel the pulse of the Earth. Breathing in and out. We are one. When you can feel the life force of the butterfly in your heart as it hits your car windshield. We are one. It’s at these times the space between the two shores where I try to let “my life flow” is narrow. But these stars are still just precious points within the intentional drift.
Something inherently indescribable visits me when for an instant I can feel within this “life” boat of a body:
the continuation of all my teachers
numberless and everywhere
the pursuer of true self quality
before unrequested and unintended conditioning
the searcher and seeker
of the sacred ordinary, including me and you
the heartfelt awe and wonder
of seeing the Divine essence in every-thing
the loving witness and awareness
of impermanence and transition—of life
the forgetting and remembering of
inherent goodness in all, including me and you
the castaway learning to ride the waves
and the wholeness of the stillness below
the spirited if not spiritual core elements of
sweat, mucus, snot, and stardust
the …
nothing
everything
all at once
the …
struggle
collapse
not-knowing
imaginal emotional and physical state of being
all at once.
—Keith Knapp