This week the 2020 Olympics have been taking place in Tokyo, Japan. They are a year late and accompanied by controversy over the decision to host such an endeavor in the midst of a global pandemic. One of the biggest stories of the week was gymnast Simone Biles’ decision to remove herself from both the team and all-around competitions on the basis of self-care. However, she is not the only Olympic athlete to report issues with managing the multi-layered stresses attendant upon competing on the international stage at this moment. Multiple athletes have spoken of the pressures, the fears, and the difficulties maintaining both physical and emotional health under such conditions. Listening to their stories activates my compassion and empathy for all they are trying to carry while also excelling in their chosen sports.
One needn’t be in the Olympian pressure-cooker to be having difficulties with mental and emotional well-being this summer, though. I’ve spoken with friends and family across the country, many of whom are struggling with a whole range of issues from generalized feelings of anxiety and grief to lack of stamina or resilience to serious stress-related medical conditions. The many personal, community and world events of the past 18 months have impacted us all to one degree or another. With all that has occurred, it is sometimes difficult to name a specific reason we are not feeling whole or truly well. And in the U.S. culture, we are used to naming specifics. The lack of a specific precipitating event, the death of a close loved one for example, makes us feel like we should be “fine” or “normal.”
When the world around us is neither fine nor normal, we may not be either.
I have an MA in counseling, so I’d like to think I have some preparation for helping both myself and others find their way through these difficult times. Unfortunately, my store of knowledge is woefully inadequate to these times, as are my personal reserves of resilience and holistic health. So I began looking back at my counseling coursework and have discovered that some basic counseling skills (which can be learned by anyone) are helping me in my own self-care and in my ability to be of service to those around me (family, friends, colleagues, strangers with whom I come into contact). Two of these skills are:
Listening/Attending
The skill of listening/attending means that when I am in the company of another person, I give them my full attention: I listen to what they are saying or doing, and I value them as worthy individuals. I listen deeply to understand, not to reply or advise. I like to think I do this routinely for those I am close to. I know, though, that I am less likely to regularly extend this deep listening to others who are further out in my circles of care, and I struggle to extend the same level of attention, care and value to myself. Practicing this skill requires me to address the critical voice in my head and politely ask it to pipe down so I can “hear” my own feelings without harsh self-judgement. The times and world events are offering enough harshness by means of division, trauma, and rage. We can all benefit from more compassion, whether that comes from others or is extended to our own fragile selves.
Silence
Silence gives the person who is sharing the ability to control the content and pace of the interaction. It allows them to take as much time as they need to form words that adequately reflect what they wish others to know. My silence is a gift to others who desperately need to be heard, who need to know that if they share their true feelings and fears they will be met with kindness and compassion, not ridicule or negative judgement.
If the person I’m listening to is myself, silence allows me to be in a space where my emotions and concerns can surface so I can discover what is there. When I lack space for silence in my life, it is difficult for me to find balance or clarity; everything remains a jumbled mess, like a hopelessly tangled knitting project. That tangle makes itself known through bodily responses of anxiety, depression, illness. In silence I can untangle the threads.
I find that I have to actively seek silence, because we live within a culture that encourages noise—television, music, activity—as a way of avoiding self-knowledge. It isn’t always easy to accept or grapple with what I discover when I allow myself to sit in silence. But it is the first step toward healing, self-acceptance, spiritual growth.
Please know that working on these skills as part of self-care, or offering them to a friend or colleague, does not replace the healing work that can be done with a trained therapist or medical professional. A third skill I’ve been working on is the skill of referral—encouraging myself and others to use all the resources available to us during this period of rampant overwhelm.
Here at Prairiewoods are spaces where silence is encouraged and where the skills of listening/attending are practiced by trained spiritual directors, retreat facilitators, and other caring staff and co-participants. I hope you keep us on your list of healing resources. Self-care is not just something you do by yourself for yourself. We all need other people to care for us, just as we all need to care for others. Extending kindness and compassion while making space for listening and silence is healing for all of us.
—Jenifer Hanson, Prairiewoods director