“Am I working at my regular capacity? No, but am I prioritizing and taking care of the most important tasks? No. But am I at least taking care of myself and my mental health? Also no.”
—Elizabeth Teng, on Twitter
I laughed aloud as I read this tweet from Elizabeth Teng when my sister sent it to me a few weeks ago. My laughter had an uncomfortable edge, though, because what she said is so true to what many of us are feeling to some degree. Jen Kardos, with the nonprofit Backyard Abundance, shared a beautiful session on healing from trauma as part of the weeklong winter series “Treasuring Our Trees” held the last week in January. She talked about how our bodies carry the aftermath of the trauma we’ve experienced in a variety of ways. She also discussed that the pandemic, the derecho that hit in August, the violent assault on the capitol and other events are a kind of collective trauma—trauma we are experiencing together. And while we may not all exhibit the same aftereffects, we are all likely feeling their aftermath in our bodies and expressing them in some way.
As my friends and family have struggled with the challenges presented by these events, and with what feels like an unrelenting pile-up of traumatizing experiences, I find myself responding with compassion and kindness. These are difficult times, I say. You didn’t ask for these challenges and obstacles that are making your life more difficult right now, I tell them. Take some quiet time for yourself, I suggest. I understand why you couldn’t take on one more thing today. It’s ok. Be gentle with yourself. I love you no matter what.
The thing I’ve only recently been noticing is how different my response to myself has been. I berate and belittle myself in those moments when I am not functioning at peak capacity. I lecture myself when I don’t meet every deadline or find my focus wandering away from my to-do list. My self-talk is often completely lacking in kind words. Why am I so much harder on myself than I am on others?
Are you harder on yourself than you would be toward someone else you care about? Are you less kind to yourself than you are to people you aren’t even close to? Compassion and kindness are wonderful when extended to others, but how might we be causing further harm to ourselves if we fail to extend it or direct it inward? What would happen if we were as gentle with ourselves as we are to others?
One day not long ago I was searching through a pile of papers and discovered a small card with a big red heart on the front. It was a loving kindness meditation I was given at The Christine Center several years ago. We were encouraged to offer loving kindness to ourselves first, then to expand the prayer outward. The instructions say: “Offer loving kindness to yourself; a benefactor; a friend; a neutral person; a difficult person; to the vast world we live in; to the entire universe.” I decided to do the meditation right then and there—a measure of how that day was proceeding! The first time through, I felt self-conscious because it was the middle of a work day (even if I was working from home) but as I continued, I felt a welcome calm settle over me. My breathing slowed and deepened. My mind became quiet and focused on the energy of compassion. At the end, I felt as if I had been the object of loving regard—something that has felt in short supply in the isolation of the pandemic.
This meditation has become a daily practice, and I have challenged myself to maintain it for the duration of Lent. I am hoping that by Easter it will be an ingrained habit to sit in silence for a portion of each day and extend loving kindness to myself … and then to the rest of the universe. If you’d like to join me, the Loving Kindness meditation is below. Whomever you are, dear reader, may YOU be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering!
Loving Kindness Meditation
May I be safe and protected,
Free from inner and outer harm.
May I be happy and contented.
May I be healthy and whole to whatever degree is possible.
May I live with ease of well-being.May (insert name of someone who has offered me kindness/care) be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering.
May (insert name of friend) be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering.
May (insert name of a neutral person) be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering.
May (insert name of person I am experiencing difficulties with) be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering.
May all beings in air, on land, in the waters of this Earth be safe, happy, healthy and free from suffering.
May all beings everywhere on all planes of existence, known and unknown, be safe, happy healthy and free from suffering.
—Jenifer Hanson, Prairiewoods director