There is battle raging within me. The two sides in this war are the importance of speaking up about issues that matter versus loving a friend unconditionally, being vocal versus being neutral, taking a stand versus holding a hand.
I strongly believe that, as Desmond Tutu famously said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” So in situations of persecution or injustice, I am rarely quiet. I don’t whisper my position; I have even been known to roar.
“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must—at that moment—become the center of the universe.”
―Elie Wiesel
It seems like we’ve had many necessary “centers of the universe” in recent months. We’ve seen the persecution of immigrants and refugees, trying to begin life anew in the United States, only to be separated from their families, caged and surgically altered. We’ve seen black men and women killed at the hands of those who are supposed to protect them and uphold justice. We’ve seen flag-wielding insurrectionists beat police officers to death because their political wishes were not being upheld.
In cases like this, we must not be silent. For being silent is siding with the oppressor.
And yet … and yet. A close friend recently told me that one thing she appreciates about me is my neutrality—my ability to love my friends unconditionally, even when they do things I don’t agree with. (Actually, this really surprised me, since this is not how I usually see myself.) As a number One on the Enneagram personality test and a recovering perfectionist, this does not come easy for me. I continue to work to love people where they are, rather than where I think they “should” be. (Should is a very important word for Enneagram Ones, who obsess about what we and others should or shouldn’t be doing.) But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. So I work to love the people in my life where they are.
“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
—Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island
There are times when I feel I need to choose to love my friends unconditionally, even if I don’t agree with their choices. As we often say at Prairiewoods, this is a “both/and” situation, not an “either/or.” I can both speak out against their public stances and love them as individuals.
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It’s an active noun like ‘struggle.’ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”
—Fred Rogers
Do you usually lean toward being vocal or being neutral? Why?
Under what circumstances do you go the other way?
What might a third option be?
—Andi Lewis, Prairiewoods marketing coordinator
photo by August Stolba