If you’re like me, you have that one friend or relative who doesn’t seem to be constrained by what others think, about looking cool or being perfect. They cultivate gratitude and joy and are compassionate with themselves and others. They are truly happy.
Dr. Brené Brown calls them “the wholehearted.” She is a researcher, professor, prolific author and self-described shame researcher. Brown has a hugely successful TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability in which she talks about how shame and fear of vulnerability hold us back. She also talks about people who break that mold—the wholehearted.
I highly recommend that you watch her TED Talk here, but in case you don’t have time, I’ll give you a brief summary …
As a social worker and researcher, Brown determined that connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives our lives purpose and meaning. Shame can be understood as fear of disconnection. In order for us to foster connection with others, we have to allow ourselves to be truly seen. To be vulnerable. So she spent six years researching shame and vulnerability. Here’s what she found:
“There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy … These are wholehearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness … Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says ‘I am enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”
What does it look like when someone we love has a deep sense of worthiness, I wonder? What does it feel like when we have it ourselves? How can we foster that deep sense of “I am enough”?
In addition to her insightful TED Talk, Brown offers Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living in her book The Gifts of Imperfection. It lays out ten things to cultivate, and ten corresponding things to let go of.
Brené Brown’s Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living
- Letting go of what people think Cultivating authenticity
- Letting go of perfectionism Cultivating self-compassion
- Letting go of numbing and powerlessness Cultivating a resilient spirit
- Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark Cultivating gratitude and joy
- Letting go of the need for certainty Cultivating intuition and trusting faith
- Letting go of comparison Cultivating creativity
- Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol
and productivity as self-worth Cultivating play and rest - Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle Cultivating calm and stillness
- Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to” Cultivating meaningful work
- Letting go of being cool and always in control Cultivating laughter, song and dance
I have a poster of these ten guideposts taped to my bedroom mirror. (You can download and print one of these beautiful posters here.) Each day I challenge myself to work on one guidepost. I invite you to do the same, and simply watch how life changes. By focusing on the things that give us joy and create connection rather than fears and “shoulds” and perfectionism, we can give ourselves freely to connection with others and with ourselves. We, too, can become the wholehearted.
—Andi Lewis, Prairiewoods marketing coordinator